My Angel
by chibidark angel
Summary: Quatre and Trowa seem to have everything going so perfect for them, but perfection can’t last forever…


Title: My Angel

Author: chibidark angel

Summary: Quatre and Trowa seem to have everything going so perfect for them, but perfection can't last forever…

Warnings: AU,YAOI! There is guy-on-guy action going on here people, and mushyness, girl-on-girl, depression, fighting and bucket-loads of angst, so be warned! Also, tis in Trowa's POV

Pairings: 3x4, 1x2, Hx9, DxR, 5xM

A/N: heydee peeps! Tis moi, with a g-wing one-shot! And tis one of my first (well first posted) angst fics, though I've got ideas for more. So I hope you enjoy this, and please review after you've read it!

He was my friend. My best friend. My boyfriend. My lover.

We became friends in kindergarten; Duo and Heero were arguing, as per usual, over who's toy robot was better; he was at Duo's side and I at Heero's. Things were getting heated, and we were both receiving looks that basically said, "You'd better get in here and help me."

Uncertain, we looked into each other's eyes - for the first time, but not the last, and an understanding passed between us. Simultaneously, we both shook our heads and stepped to the side, receiving glares from our friends, who then immediately went back to arguing. Again we looked at each other, he smiled a sweet smile, and said, "Hi, my name's Quatre."

Quatre. I'd never forget, not ever – even when I'm really old and going senile and forgetting everything about my life, I will always remember his name and his sweet smiling face.

"Hello Quatre, I'm Trowa," I replied, giving a soft smile.

"Well Trowa, our friends may be fighting, but I'm sure we can be friends, ne?" he asked, turning to me, holding out his hand.

"Of course," I replied happily, taking his and, forever sealing our friendship; our fate.

I don't know what it was that drew him to me; he seemed so innocent and naïve, yet he knew things I wouldn't have a clue about. He was always ready to smile, ready to laugh, to try and cheer everyone up. He was always there for me, so sweet and comforting. He was my angel, and all I wanted to do was protect him, make him happy.

From that day on, we were inseparable, and, much to their chagrin, so were Heero and Duo. It was funny how they could start out talking civilly, then maybe begin to joke around and relax a little with each other; but would always end up fighting over something, no matter how big or small. It was inevitable. And yet, at the same time, you could see, if you knew them well enough, that they respected and liked each other, not that they'd EVER admit to that growing up. As we went through primary school, it was the four of us – me and Quatre, always talking and joking, Heero and Duo always bickering over something, but messing and joking at the same time. It was a beautiful time – a simple time of uninterrupted childhood, and yet, at the same time, I could see that Quatre went through little phases of unhappiness. Eventually, after weeks of begging and pleading with him to talk to me about it, I broke through his pride and the barrier of concern he'd built up so as not to worry us, and he told me all about (as I call him) 'the bastard,' a.k.a., his father.

Quatre's mother had become infertile due to cancer, so her and his father had used every resource to try and conceive – and they did; with a girl. But all Quatre's father had ever wanted was a boy, and so, Quatre's mother tried again and again to conceive with a boy, until she finally did – with Quatre. However, because of all the different treatments she had undergone, her body was really weak – having Quatre turned out to be far too stressful on her, and she died giving birth to him. Quatre's father was so upset and depressed over this, that he took all his anger and resentment over his wife's death onto the cause of her death. My poor angel had to suffer his father's cruel words, and a lot of the time when he was young – his fists. When Quatre told me this through a flow of tears, I wanted nothing more than to find his father and kill him – make him pay for what he'd done to my best friend. But Quatre told me no – doing that would mean stooping to his father's level, and besides, it was his fault – he had killed his mother, and he deserved what he got. We were twelve at the time, and all I could think of doing was wrapping my arms around him and holing him tightly while whispering fiercely, "Don't ever say that, don't ever say that."

And he didn't. The next day he went right back to smiling and laughing – trying to comfort everyone else; acting as if we had never spoken of his troubles. Yet every now and then I would catch that sad look in his eyes, and would wordlessly put my hand on his shoulder or stood right beside him in a protective manner, and he would give me such a grateful smile, my heart would melt.

We then made it into highschool, and expanded out little circle of friends to many – including Relena, who mooned over Heero constantly for a year straight; clinging to him when she could, causing Duo to argue with Heero more aggressively than ever over even the slightest of things. It was funny; arguing for them was like breathing – it was habitual, it was how they communicated – preferring it as times to talking; their arguing could be playful, serious or aggressive. At the same time, Duo had found someone new to aggravate – Wufei. Nothing delighted Duo more than calling Wufei every nickname under the sun he could think of – causing the oriental teen to fume and rage and rant over the unfairity and injustice of how he was always picked on by the 'Maxwell Menace.' Of course while this was happening, Heero started arguing back aggressively, and sometimes violently – leading him into scuffles and wrestling matches with the 'braided baka,' as he called Duo. God, those two were so transparent and obvious. It seemed to most people that they hated each other, but it was no surprise when they announced that they were together in our second year.

A heartbroken Relena mourned for a total of two days before finding a new boy to obsess over – and things returned to normal – the girls would talk about boys, the boy would make crude comments, Heero and Duo would agrue, Meilan would clock Wufei for any sexual comments he made, then the two would argue – inevitably ending up making up – and making out, by the end of the day. Dorothy would parade her latest girlfriend in front of us, while Hilde would gaze adoringly at Ms. Noin, our mechanics teacher, whenever she saw her. And in the middle of it all, Quatre and I would joke and talk, and comfort each other quietly. It had all been so simple – and Quatre had never been happier; he was always a social person, and loved interacting with all these people; these new friends. And yet he never forgot us – he never forgot me, and I never once forgot him – little by little I started to care more, to like more, and it wasn't long before I realised I had a crush on him – hell I was practically in love with him, but I was only fifteen; and what fifteen year old truly knows what love is? All I knew was I thought he was beautiful – inside and out, and I wanted to make him happy, wanted to care for him, and protect him. I knew I had to tell him, and so I did. I was nervous and scared as hell – our friendship was so important to me, and I didn't want to ruin it, but he deserved to know – I could never keep anything from him anyway. So I sat him down and told him, barely daring to look at him in fear of the look of hate and rejection he might have on his face. And when I stopped talking, he placed his hand on my cheek, and he did the thing I could hope most for; he kissed me. I was soft and gentle, and as we parted he gave me that sweet smile, just like the very first one he gave me, and I knew I was falling helplessly. We stared at each other, leaned in towards each other again, bumped noses and laughed, before finding each other's lips. It was so full of trust and understanding, and when we parted I hugged him tightly and he clambered up on my lap, snuggling into my chest, and it felt so right, just having him there, holding him there.

I never wanted to let him go.

"So, I guess you like me too then, ne?" I asked, grinning.

"Oh no," he answered in a mock serious tone, "I'm only leading you on."

"Ah, I see."

"And then I'm going to break your heart when I run off with the mail man."

"I thought it was the milk man," I mused, smirking playfully.

"Oh no, I'm far above him," Quatre sniffed in a dignified manner.

"Okay, thanks for letting me know," I replied, giving him a little squeeze.

We laughed, and he nuzzled my neck affectionately and soon we were kissing again, except this was passionate, deep; emotional. Our hands roamed clumsily, but unhurriedly – we knew we had all the time we wanted. Eventually our lips parted, and we sat together in a contented silence.

Oh Quatre. You broke my heart, but in a far crueller way than what you joked about. How could you? How could I? We were so naïve to think we had all the time we wanted – truly we had none.

Back in school and with our friends, we acted as we always had – talking and joking between ourselves and the others, except now, Quatre sat on my lap, we held hands and exchanged kisses every now and then. The others laughed and joked about us – we were dubbed the 'sweeter than sugar,' couple. Hardly. We were just best friends who like each other a lot – we acted how we always had, except with some extra things added in. Personally, I think it's Heero and Duo who were the sugary-sweet couple – even if you had to look under a couple of layers to see it. Sure they would fight a lot, but all it took was one touch or word, and they would be gazing all googly-eyed at each other, blushing and grinning like idiots. So was if Quatre and I were more affectionate with each other – I was protective and he loved the attachment and comfort. It was also perfect.

But perfection never lasts long. Soon that beautiful simplicity faded, and complexities began to cloud our lives.

The exams started; both Quatre and Wufei took them far too seriously, both went overboard on the studying; yet while Wufei revelled in it, Quatre couldn't deal with the stress he put himself under. There were nights when he would just collapse into my arms, on the verge of tears, over a sum her couldn't do, or a bit of French he couldn't understand (A/N: this can happen – this was me from about 2nd year onwards through secondary school). He became more worried, more anxious, and yet, cared about our other friends too much to let them see what was wrong with him. So he bottled it all up; but this only served to make him edge and snappy. This continued on for a month or two – he would be happy, but at times would snap at us or stomp about in what he called a 'mood,' but I could see it was worse than that. However, when I tried to speak about it to him, he'd smile softly, shrug and ay, "It's nothing Trowa, really. I'm just tired."

He was always so concerned about everyone else – using his smile and cheerful demeanour to put them at ease, yet hated it if anyone showed that they were worried about him; and really, that's what lead to his breakdown – his first one.

His snappy moods were now followed by melancholic ones, where he would act slightly distant from us – a thoughtful expression on his face. Everyone noticed this, and so the phrase, "Are you okay?" became an everyday one, and every time it was uttered, he would grit his teeth; suppressing a momentary rage before sighing, smiling wearily and reply that he was fine, just tired and slightly stressed.

I tried as best I could to help him; I was never good with words, so I would be by his side as much as I could – holding him, hugging him, whatever I could. And he would relax slightly, and offer me a grateful smile, and I knew I had helped – even if it was just a little.

But then it happened. Quatre lost it one day when he was asked if he was okay several times in one day. He and Dorothy, who had become a close friend in the last three years, had a fight – a big one, and before you knew it she wasn't talking to him. Hell, she even started avoiding him for a while, and I could see it was killing Quatre. He tried his best to keep up his smile, but it was quickly cracking.

Eventually, he collapsed in my arms, crying his eyes out, and all I could do was hold him close and murmur words of comfort in his ear. I felt so inadequate. He told me later thought that I'd helped more than I thought. From hen on, I vowed to try and protect my angel as best I could. Through all the most awkward phases after his fight with Dorothy, I tried to stick by him as best I could, and so would the others – Heero and Duo mostly – trying to keep him smiling and laughing. But at the same time we couldn't just ignore Dorothy, myself included, and so, there were lunch times when Quatre would sit on a table in the corner of the classroom, looking darkly, or forlornly at the people scattered around the classroom, trying, in the only way he could think of, to distance himself, to keep his friends away from his pain, his suffering. I tried my hardest, held him tightly every night before leaving him, murmuring non-sensical calming sounds to him, telling him to let everything out, it wasn't healthy for him, and he knew it. And he'd sniff and cough and chock back sobs and fight the tears every bloody step of the way until they'd burst out and pour down his cheeks and he'd go on about how lonely he felt, how he was so sorry, he knew everything was his fault, how he hated himself so much…and I would tell him that it was okay, I would always be there for him, that things just happened, it was not all his fault, others were to blame aswell, and how he should never hate himself, he was a good person, a beautiful person. But all he could do was murmur, "I'm sorry, so sorry…I'm horrible, pushing everyone who cares for me away, and I'm sorry, I'm such a bastard I know it."

At those times, I felt torn between comforting Quatre and hitting him. Most of the time I comforted him, gathering him in my arms. Other times, he would be extremely irrational, saying things that made no sense – how everybody hated him, how they were all avoiding him (despite the fact that he was the one doing the distancing) and in these situations I had no choice but to be perfectly blunt with him, pointing out all the flaws and holes in his theories and beliefs. He would sulk, I'd hug him, he'd sulk some more, I'd kiss his neck and whisper, "You know I'm right, stop being so damn stubborn," and he would melt in my arms and things would go on alright from there.

But there was one time I had no choice.

He'd been feeling particularly down that day (I'd finally gotten him to accept that these 'moods' were basically depression, it helped slightly in terms of resistance and dealing with it) and that night, spoke in a soft emotionless tone of his many ideas and plans for killing himself, and how he needed to do it soon. I was so frightened by that, I did the only possible thing I could think of – I smacked him, hard, across the cheek. And he sat there, and looked at me with surprise, a hand reaching towards a slowly reddening cheek, and I stared back at him, breathing furious, and all I could say was, "Don't you ever say that," before me eyes were filling with tears, and I'd collapsed into Quatre's arms, crying; that my angel was so badly hurt, that I could do nothing, that I felt so utterly useless, and really, this only served to make him sadder. After that night, we sat down and had several long heart-to-heart talks, about our fears, our feelings and I could tell that just plain talking about everything, with someone just listening, nothing else – no advice, no talking crap – just listening, helped Quatre more than anything else every had, and I was so happy that I had helped my love.

After that, Quatre was a little bit happier, a little more open each day, and eventually, we had our smiling, talking Quatre back among us, and things started to relatively go back to normal – Heero and Duo continued to affectionately fight, though this usually lead to the two of them running off to the nearest bathroom or changing room, Wufei and Meilan bickered and cuddled, Relena clung happily to her new boyfriend, Hilde continued to moon over Ms. Noin, who she swore was winking at her every now and then, and checking her out, and Dorothy, who's supposedly 'endless' string of girlfriends was cut short due to her major crush on a mystery girl, and Quatre started tentatively talking again. Little by little, they talked and laughed some more – rebuilding the friendship they'd missed so much. And so, our fourth year of school proved to be a relatively happy one. Yes there was the odd bit of shit here and there; a small fight (Duo and Wufei), moaning and cursing of boys (Relena), irrationally trying to deal with a crush (Hilde and Dorothy), but they were grand; easy to deal with in comparison to the last year. Heero and Duo were practically looking to tie the knot at this stage, even if they were only sixteen, you could see they were deeply in love; they had now settled down to having playful verbal wars, typically while Heero played with Duo's hair, or Duo played with Heero's shirt – i.e. to play with what was under it, though Heero always managed to avert it with a couple of words or a small smile or playful slap – see what I mean? Sweeter than sweet those two were, and they deserved it for all the trouble they put each other through.

As for Quatre and myself, we were young, happy and (in my case) hopelessly in love. We talked and joked, between ourselves and in the large group – Quatre being the centre of attention no matter what, and I wouldn't of had it any other way. During the first few months of that year he seemed to glow, to shine with an inner beauty and happiness, and he told me it was all because of me, because I'd helped him and made him realise he wasn't alone by just being there, and for that I was exceedingly happy. In no time at all it was our Christmas holidays, and I asked Quatre to come with me to my sister's holiday cabin a couple of miles out of town, and he immediately accepted. There, we spent our days skiing, exploring the forest, playing, making snowmen, having snowball wars, and in the evening, we'd snuggle up together in front of the fire and talk, or play board/card games, or just kiss for endless hours, hands wandering languidly, travelling over each other's bodies. I was so happy, so peaceful and content to be near and around my angel, I knew I loved him with all my heart. One night, we were standing at the living room window, looking out at the stars – me standing behind him, my arms around his waist, and him leaning his head back on my chest – and I said it.

"I love you," I said, clearly and softly.

There was a pause – not a questioning or rejectful or hesitant pause, but a surprised, flattered one. It was in that moment, I knew that he cared, that what he felt was true and then he replied, "I love you too."

We kissed; it became deeper, more passionate and open, and that night, for the very first time, we gave ourselves to each other. It was beautiful, and oh so good and wonderful all at the same time; memories of our joining, of our two bodies moving together as one, it still sends shivers up my spine and emotions flooding my mind and body….alright, I lie, it wasn't so much beautiful as it was clumsy and awkward at first, but realise that I look back on that night with pure nostalgia, and nostalgia always makes even the most painful of things beautiful… The rest of our stay in the cabin was spent with days of playing, lounging around and chitchat, and nights of making love – whether it was slow and loving or passionate and fast, like it was all we craved, all that would keep us alive, and every time was better and better.

All too soon though, we were back at school with our friends; Heero and Duo attached at the hip, Meilan showing off the engagement ring a blushing Wufei had bought her, Dorothy parading her former crush and newest girlfriend – Relena – around, and Hilde telling us all excitedly about how she'd seen Ms. Noin in a gay bar, but had unfortunately, been too shy to actually approach the older woman.

Lunchtimes were fun times of random talking, joking and laughing. Quatre and I, with our new-found sensuality, managed to give Heero and Duo a run for their money with our exhibitionism and trips to the bathrooms. It was a happy, not-so-simple, but lovely time of mid-adolescence, where we'd just found our balance in the topsy-turvy rollercoaster of emotions, hormones and teen-angst problems. Summer exams loomed about us – and we as a group managed to devise a timetable which ensured maximum study, yet had time for relaxing and distressing fun. Quatre did build up a bit of stress still, yet learned to release it in different ways other than snapping at his friend – hence how he became extremely fit from sprinting up and down stairs, and ended up with a busted fist when he decided it would be a good idea to punch a wall…I was lucky enough to be able to fix up his hand, and then give my angel some good old comfort and TLC, the best way I knew… Before we knew it, the summer exams had passed and things were right as rain in our harmonious balance of adolescence and life.

However, the scales soon tipped to the side as he grew older, on our way to adulthood, and bigger problems arose. First of all, in our fifth year, my precious angel was snatched away from me – 'the bastard' decided that public school just wasn't good enough for the son of a millionaire, and so, packed him off to a nearby private school. He was stuck with an awkward timetable, due to classes and different clubs he'd joined, and we only really got to see him at the weekend.

Quatre tried to keep in contact with us, yet it was impossible during weekdays, so he had to make do with the precious weekends. However, most of our hanging around consisted of reminiscing about fond memories of the past week, and giggling over inside jokes, and Quatre would spend most of his time with a lost, confused look on his face. At times we'd tell him what had happened and what he had done, and yet it seemed trivial and lifeless if you had not been there to experience it, so the explanations became short and to the point. Quatre became more and more quiet, more distant – staring blankly into space, or looking at his friends sadly. He had make a few friends in his new school, but none of them came close to being the friends we were, and yet we were becoming more and more isolated from Quatre with each passing day. I helped with what little time I could; I would recount the tales of what had happened during the week, and yet, in his isolated state he seemed totally disinterested, yet I ploughed on talking to him, holding him.

But he continued to sink before my very eyes.

Meanwhile, more problems arose within our group of friends; Relena, still confused about her sexuality, broke up with Dorothy, and went off with some random guy she barely knew, resulting in the rest of the group turning their backs on her in comforting Dorothy, who turned bitter because of her resentment for her ex-girlfriend. Out of all the group, I was the only one who would actually talk to Relena, and she would unload all of her worries on me – how she felt so bad about what she'd done to Dorothy, how she wanted so badly to go back to her, but knew that Dorothy hated her. I tried to reassure her, by telling her that that wasn't true, Dorothy didn't hate her; she was just upset over what had happened. If she gave it time, and tried talking to Dorothy, and explained what she was thinking and feeling, then things would be alright. She didn't exactly believe me, and in her worry and fear, she wouldn't approach the other girl, simply talked more to me, going on about everything bad that was happening to her.

On top of this, Meilan was diagnosed with a rare disease that would eventually paralyse her whole body. Doctors discovered it early enough so they could partially treat her, but not fully; by the time she was twenty she would be paralysed from the waist down – stuck in a wheelchair for life. The once feisty girl became downcast and depressed, and Wufei, desperate to have his spirited fiancée back, started arguing with her, insulting her, nearly breaking down when she would sit listlessly, not bothered to actually fight back with him. A bunch of new guys came to our school, and started bullying Heero and Duo; turning other people against them. The two teens were at first upset, but this quickly turned to outrage, and they were involved in many serious fights, resulting in them getting in trouble with the principal and school board, coming extremely close to expulsion every time. About a month later, Hilde's parents decided to get a divorce, and a lot of shit went on at home over dividing possessions and custody, and Hilde became sick of it, and totally stressed out, so she started smoking, finding that it helped her relax and calm down. We all tried to discourage her from the idea, but she wouldn't listen, just smoked more and more as things got worse and worse with her parents.

While all this was going on, it was never actually spoken of in the group; the shit and problems went on in the shadows and background, while we continued to joke around and manage to have fun and laugh; forgetting our problems for a while. Little bits were spoken of every now and then in a general manner, but all the fears, worries and everything else were projected onto me. I was now the secret keeper for the group, and I burdened it all, silently. It wasn't easy; sometimes I felt like I wanted to scream out loud and rant and rave, yet no one seemed to notice that I wasn't taking things well – I was quiet, but then again I pretty much always had been…though no one could see that I wasn't so much quiet anymore as I was silent.

So naturally, because all this was going on, Quatre became more confused and upset when he would hang around. There would be the reminiscing and laughing, but then there would be the odd time when someone would become silent or sad or snappish with everyone. As was in his nature, Quatre would try to comfort them, but it wasn't much good when he didn't know what was going on with them. In our times alone, he would either sit there silently, with tears running down his face, or else he would ask, beg me to tell him what was wrong with his friends.

"You don't want to know Quatre," I told him one night in a serious, morbid tone.

"How the fuck do you know what I do or do not want to know!" he shouted, standing in front of me, "I see that there's something wrong with my friends, and no one will talk to me, not even you, and I can do nothing to help them," he sobbed.

And that was his problem. He cared so much about everyone, was so emotionally attached, and seemed so fragile at the time, trying to deal with his own internal problems, that I couldn't, wouldn't put that stress on him, didn't want him to worry when he was trying to cope with his new school at the same time.

After that he became more angry, more cynical and sarcastic in trying to chase away the pain and tears, and most of this he took out on me – shouting at me, asking me why I couldn't tell him anything, why did I have to hide away from him, why did he have to be so cut off from his friends, why did we have to isolate him. And I would try and reason with him, try to calm him down until I was shaking and nearly crying with sorrow, and, for a moment, he would sneer, glorying in my distress, before it would quickly melt away, and he would gather me into his arms and rock gently back and forth, non-sensical soothing sounds emanating from his lips.

"It's okay Trowa," he murmured, "I don't mind that you don't want to tell me anything."

Oh Quatre. It's not that I didn't want to tell you – I couldn't. I'd been asked never to tell anyone the secrets I had to bear, but mostly, I couldn't do it because it's you. I need to protect you, to keep worry and stress at bay, but how could I have seen the consequences of my decision?

How could I not realise that by protecting my angel I was killing him?

Quatre tried after that, I could see him struggle to keep up hi smiling face whenever we met up, and I for one, was very grateful for it; when my angel was there, and trying for me, I felt lighter, happier. Things within the group became a little better; Relena had approached Dorothy and talked things over with her – the two girls were restarting a tentative friendship, which seemed like it would definitely become more again. Hilde's parents had split; she lived with her dad in a new house in the district, and spent the weekends in her old house with her mother, so she was still around. She continued to smoke, wouldn't admit she was addicted, but had cute down immensely, which we were all glad about. However, Heero and Duo were continuing to run into more serious problems with the bullies, and Meilan was falling into a deeper depression; Wufei following her in a desperate attempt to help her; and I continued to bear their secrets, and Quatre continued in his depressive, irrational state because I was hiding a part of myself away from him as he saw it. I in turn would turn angry at the fact that he couldn't understand; we sometimes had big arguments, or else I would lie in order to avoid him. I started hanging out more with Solo, Duo's 19 year-old brother, and this made Quatre even worse at times with unspeakable jealousy. I think, in a way, I wanted to hurt him, badly, and yet I felt ashamed at what I did. I broke down one night in front of him after a nasty fight, and apologised and explained myself.

"I'm so sorry angel, I didn't want to hurt you," I sobbed, as he put his arms around me and whispered, "It's alright Trowa, we've both been hurting. I'm sorry for all the trouble I've caused you – you don't deserve the hassle."

"You're worth it," I replied truthfully.

"Thank you," he whispered, "I don't know what I'd do without you."

We talked then, working around our difficulties and problems, becoming more and more comfortable with each other again, and after that, I thought it was getting better again; we had gotten through so much and came out strong, there was nothing that could bring us down. Mid-term for Easter came up, and Quatre reconnected more with the group, and we all had fun together, but as the end of the week approached, I saw he was dreading it, and could practically read the thoughts as they rant through his mind; end of the week meant going back to school, which meant being cut off yet again from us, and when he got that expression on his face I would wrap my arms around him and murmur, "It's going to be alright," and he'd flash that heart-melting sweet, yet slightly melancholic smile at me, replying, "Yes, I know it will be," and I'd be content. On Saturday, he invited me to his house, as the rest of his family was out at a party. That night, he enveloped me, in his arms and his body as we made love; it was slow and hard and tender and loving all in one – he gave it his all, and I in return did the same; feeling so happy that my Quatre was back with me. Sunday evening, I gave him a deep kiss, murmuring, "I love you," to him. He clung to me, murmuring words of love to me, before he let me go with one final desperate kiss and I left him at his house; we all had school the next day.

Monday morning Quatre never showed up at school. The found him at home; my poor angel had bled to death in his bedroom. They found that he had slit up the inside of his thigh – Quatre had meant business. I remember back in fourth year, when Wufei took it upon himself to teach us some basic self-defence, and when on the topic of knife attacks and defence, he pointed out the artery that ran up the juncture of our thigh and groin, warning us that if we were ever confronted by a knife to make sure it never go near our legs; that artery was one of the largest in the body – once it was cut open you were practically dead straight away, you lost blood so fast.

I remember I was in English; studying poetry and smiling as we read over some of Quatre's favourite poems, when I was called out and told. At first I didn't believe them, it had to be some sort of sick joke, my angel was stronger than that. But then his sister Ira came up, crying her eyes out, and it hit me. I became totally numb and closed off from the world; staring into space as Ira hugged me, clinging to me tightly as I hugged her back; a strange dull pain encased in a shell of numbness beating around my chest.

"A formal feeling comes…" (1)

I was brought back to the house; being considered family by Quatre's sisters. Quatre's body had been cleaned up and taken away, and I was handed the short note he left:

I'm so sorry for all the trouble I've caused. Please don't put the blame on anyone, this was all my fault; I couldn't deal, couldn't cope being shut up in the darkness, the unknowing. I can only hope that you can one day forgive me for being so selfish and weak.

I love you all dearly,

Quatre.

As I finished reading the not, a memory hit me, and the page fluttered to the ground unnoticed as I remembered…

It was about two years ago, after a Halloween party and we were staying in my house. We were both drunk, and so, I didn't really remember much, until now. We were talking, and he confessed to me that while he was upset and worried when his friends were in trouble, what always hurt and upset him more was being stuck not knowing what was going on. At least when he knew things he could help comfort his friends; but in not knowing, he was helpless.

As the memory faded away, only one thought penetrated my numbed mind; I Killed Him, and suddenly I was on the floor, crying my heart dry, the sudden grief and pain tearing the sobs from my being as I finally realised I would never see him again, never feel or hold him again. I distantly noted the people around me, trying to comfort me, yet I felt none of it. I was surrounded by a bubble of nothingness, of emptiness, which continued on through the day. I was cut off from everyone around me, and no one could do a thing to snap me out of the trance I'd fallen into, while I brought up every memory I had of Quatre in my head over and over again. That night when I went home, I found one of Quatre's shirts on my bed, and I curled up around it, breathing his scent in deeply, before crying out for my angel until sleep claimed me.

The funeral was a simple ceremony on a sunny day; the weather doing nothing to reflect the moods of everyone present. I, along with Heero, Duo, Wufei, Meilan and Hilde carried the coffin and we all watched as it was lowered into the ground – Heero and Duo holding each other, as were Wufei and Meilan and Dorothy and Relena, and I even saw Ms. Noin talk to Hilde, before wrapping an arm around her. I stood alone, staring at the coffin which lay beside Quatre's sisters, too exhausted and empty to cry anymore. As I threw some earth on top of his coffin, I whispered, "Goodbye angel, love you forever," and then turned away, vowing never to forget him.

We all tried to move on afterwards, and some things started to improve for us. Heero and Duo finally talked to the principal, and got their bullying problem sorted once and for all. Meilan vowed to be strong in heart and mind, even if she wouldn't always be in body; she managed to drag herself out of her depression, overjoying Wufei and bringing a bit more happiness to our group. I myself took a leaf out of Duo's book and took to praying; talking to Quatre, my angel, every night; telling him everything, apologising for hiding from him, and little by little the pain eased; it would never go away, but it was easier to bear.

It's over a year since Quatre's death; we've graduated from highschool and are looking forward to college. Wufei and Meilan are finally getting married, we've all been invited naturally; it's lovely to see the two of them so in love. Heero and Duo have plans to move to Canada, go to college, get married and adopt; they are so determined that I believe all their goals will be achieved, and I'm glad that they're making it. Dorothy and Relena have broken up – again, over some guy; they really are one of the more on/off couples I know, and yet I think that in the end, they'll find each other for good. On the day of our graduation, Hilde finally plucked up the courage to tell Ms. Noin how she felt; upon which Lucy, as we now call her, promptly (and literally) swept her off her feet with a deep kiss, in front of staff members, and Hilde's parents, who immediately started clapping and cheering, much to the confusion and slightly shock of the teachers, the embarrassment of Hilde and the amusement of Lucy. So those two are together now, and a lot of the time they're far worse than any of us boys were when it comes to exhibitionism. I am still single; Solo asked me out a while ago, but I declined; it's far too soon for any of that, I still can't even think of becoming intimate with anyone, not with Quatre still strong in my mind and heart. I think Solo's now going out with a cousin of Heero's cousin, Odin or something like that, and things seem to be going well, from the shocking reports Duo comes out with about how he's caught them far too many times in some sort of state of undress, it's funny to hear him wail and pick up on the simplest and strangest of details of his encounters.

I'm coping much better now; I'm going to study psychology in college, I want to work with teenagers and children with problems. However, there are still nights when the loneliness hits me, and I shed some tears as I talk to Quatre. I'm still hurting; a hole in my heart can never be healed, not without Quatre. He was my love, my friend, my angel and now he's gone; I broke his spirit and he broke my heart – it still wanders in a strange world, looking for it's mate, it's partner.

"Absence rocked love's balance…

You've gone, I am at sea.

Until you resume command

Self is in mutiny." (2)

I'm lost.

(1) a line from 'After Great Pain a formal feeling comes,' by Emily Dickenson, I love her poetry.

(2) Part of 'Valedictorian,' by Seamas Heaney, actually a great poem about love and missing someone, really pretty and realistic.

A/N: soooooo waddaya think? I've been told it's far too sad, especially with the ending, but I like it, even if it is highly depressing. Let me know what you think, kay? Please review! Farethee well!


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